[this page left intentionally blank] (eyelines) wrote,
[this page left intentionally blank]
eyelines

Meditation.

you're in a nameless european city on the longest day of the year, it's a strange situation and an even stranger setting, this small and impersonal bathroom drowned in poor artificial lightning and you have no clear idea as to why you are there or why you're really anywhere at all. there is a lightness in your body (settled deeply, in your bones) that you have not felt in a very long time and you know it should alarm you, it does alarm you but only peripherally, vaguely, instinctively. you fixate your heavy eyes upon the door that you have locked moments before as if one gaze could fasten and freeze what's existing simultaneously on the Other side, or more importantly, what is going on inside you need it all to stop (what do you need to stop) you don't know but isn't that what is most terrifying (you said i don't know, i don't know and he kept repeating the question, as if that would help or change anything). regardless - you think it would be absurd if these were the last sounds you would ever hear. because ironically, the distant clatter of silverware, the slow scraping from drawing in and out of chairs, the dulled voices, the general turmoil and then. the unity of it all sounds like what you imagine coming out of unconciousness might be like, that initial faltering register of everything hazy removed, unhinged and insensible. you would laugh if you could but of course you can't and somewhere in your disarranged mind is the fact that somebody once wrote about how everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. a possibility to isolate an almost automatic wonder, how it would be if there was beauty to be found in this situation, encompassing, stark and whole, and if nothing hurt. that alone is enough and there you are: laughing, laughing in a jarring unremitting way, although seconds ago such a thing was inconceivable – perhaps it's all the blood, what else is there. ..
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  • 11 comments
this is so good. so, so good.

eyelines

June 5 2013, 05:44:26 UTC 3 years ago Edited:  June 5 2013, 05:45:06 UTC

thank you(!) i'm glad you like it and also i'm secretly delighted that someone (more particularly: you) reads this anymore. i am just going to take this opportunity to say to you that i recently read an entry of yours which struck a chord with me - for i think you are lovely and i hope someday - despite all this continual emptiness, the glaring sense of deprivation - we'll both be at the very least approaching okay.
do you remember which? i'm also extremely jealous of your bangs.
it was written on may 29th, 2013, frank and bare with that sort of sorrowful beautiful quality that such topics sometimes almost inherently carry. ah, yes - the Bangs. i think everyone at least once in their life should try a) shaving their head and b) cut bangs. it took me a while before i truly adjusted as bangs with my currently long flowing hair are so Feminine compared to my previous androgynous take, but now i'm wild for it. though everyone here keeps mistaking me for our eurovision phenomenon loreen; it happens so often i've considered learning her coordinated dance repertoire so i can deliver both visually and musically whenever someone approaches me with this inquiry. i'll be doing some Librarian Work this summer so if anything, i hope at least one person will come quizzical upon me whilst i'm - for example - stacking books, simply for the personal pleasure of being able to deadpan "this is my day job".

anyway - housecleaning calls(!) i hope today offers you beauty and peace, however fleeting it may be. x
So beautiful, everything, as always. x My heart jumped when I saw you had made an entry; I have truly missed them.
wonderful that you took time to comment, wonderful that you're still here - it makes me realize that i too not only have missed writing, i've also missed this particular sphere and all the astonishingly lovely individuals with whom i've connected. so thank you for appearing here, i've certainly Missed You Too. xo

properchaos

June 23 2013, 19:03:51 UTC 3 years ago Edited:  June 25 2013, 00:41:22 UTC

I thought about you last night. I was listening to a audiobook biography of Cohen as I was chainsawing trees and branches fallen from a storm into pieces that can be disposed of or used for firewood. There was a reference to Patti Smith, so when I went inside, I decided to listen to the ethereal cover of "Dancing Barefoot" by First Aid Kit. Struck by how many layers the song has, how much I missed the first 100+ times I listened. Like Plath, it's clear: the simplicity was so artistically, deliberately, painstakingly assembled. The song precariously balanced on the edge of joy and pain, life and death, suicide and NOT-suicide. Herione, Heroin--what's the difference. At least for the song, Jeanne Hébuterne was an inspiration to Smith not unlike Lorca to Cohen. Another interesting gem from the book was a mention of Keroauc digging a hole in the Earth and fucking it to some how bring good luck to a impending publication. I wrote a poem off that--I mean how much more comically and defiantly symbolic can you be than to lay down on the ground and start thrusting and yelling, "Take this Earth!!!". It's almost Douglas Adams or Vonnegut.

Reading your words today, I am reminded of your unique ability to capture stream-of-consciousness and then tune it to resonate with the immediacy of a situation. Your photo and words seem to be saying the same thing--I love the vertical length. You might post of photo of "anything at all", when you don't have time to write. My intent was to write something for/to you last month as my birthday reminds me that your May has arrived as well. I was troubled by the "more than usual" strife concerning Sweden (even Malmö?!) in the news. It's great to hear from you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJkbShz3c9Q&feature=player_detailpage

tree2

Anonymous

November 8 2013, 19:17:08 UTC 3 years ago

This is my first time pay a visit at here and i am in fact impressed to read everthing at single place.
what a lovely little message to receive and read, accidentally on the last day of the year. i only regret i did not see this sooner(!) whoever you are : thank you, i'm glad. & happy new year.
Miss you, Miss!

eyelines

June 16 2016, 07:20:11 UTC 11 months ago Edited:  June 16 2016, 07:20:55 UTC

ah, please know that i am still Here. still occasionally writing however just not publishing it anywhere (yet), still voraciously reading (my most recent interest for example: random facts about space travel. a new thing i learned is those recommended astronaut tributes include 'Ability to Function Despite Imminent Catastrophe'. based upon this i conclude myself worthless in space). i was in fact just in san francisco (can you believe!) which has inspired me to perhaps do a write-up on one of my encounters there, if only just so i will always remember it, for it was.. a meeting of unexpected candor, truly something to treasure. if i ever get to it, i promise i shall make it appear here.

and you too, are missed. x